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Anne,
While I can't remember which adoptive mom said it, but she was asked if she were going to tell her child that they were adopted; to which her response was, "Why would I tell you and not tell her?" And every since then I have embraced that philosophy. Sometimes things slip and sometimes people are just plain mean. So why risk ruining the trust that you have worked so hard to build by allowing someone else to deliver this crushing blow. You guys "opened my eyes" to open adoption, which I now know just makes sense. Now, we don't advertise that Niah's adopted, it's not everyone/anyone's business but hers; but why hide it, or sweep it under the rug? There is nothing to be ashamed of and it really isn't that big of a deal if you don't make it one. The literature that I have read said to start at about age 3-4 discussing it without stressing the issue and over time it will become ordinary (and easier to talk about).
With that said, Brian and I had our first "official sit down" with Niah this week.
To make a long story short...She and I were preparing dinner and out of the blue she says to me, "Mommy, I am going to show you the picture of me in your belly button!" She then proceeds to go through all of the photo albums looking for this "picture", I thought maybe she was remembering the photos of us with LaShonda. So, when Brian arrived home that night the three of us sat down and read this customized book we had printed about her birth/adoption. As we looked through some photos we talked again about her sisters and brothers (of which she has pics up in her room).
It was difficult because it reminded us of the things we went through to have a child, challenging because we were trying to explain the situation in a way that a three year old could understand, frustrating because of her short (very short) attention span, but oh so funny when she said, "Mommy, I can't be in her belly button because her mouth isn't big enough for me to come out!"
Brian and I looked at each other...and then I said, "That's another conversation we will have when you are 35!" ;-)
Thanks for the heads up. We love you guys and continually pray for the agency.
Take care,
Perri
The Story of Brandon
In the Beginning…
Our story is not so unique. We attended a “Welcome
Session” for pending adoptive parents. Jan was wonderful
and helped us understand the terminology and process. There
was a lot of apprehension on my part but Teresa, my wife,
was ready to get going. With my caution and Teresa’s
naivety we jumped right into the adoption process while we
stepped off the emotional roller coaster associated with doctors,
hospitals, multiple in-vitro attempts and all that medication.
Because of my caution we took our dear sweet time to prepare
the birthmother letter and our biographies, actually, several
months as a matter of fact. After all, it just had to perfect!
Eventually we submitted everything only to find a spelling
error the next day. Before we could make the correction, Crystal,
a young birthmother, read our letter and biography and wanted
to meet us.
We met for lunch and got to know Crystal and gave her a chance
to understand how we felt and thought. The meeting was awkward
for the first few minutes but after we started talking we
became so comfortable with Crystal that we were opening our
hearts to her. A few hours later we felt the need to give
Crystal some room to think and to end our little meeting.
But, as we were walking to the car, Crystal apparently had
made her decision. She gave Teresa many baby shower items
she had received and the most recent sonogram. Teresa cried
all the way home.
It’s a Boy!
 Brandon
was born a few days later. While at the hospital waiting for
the birth, we met all of Crystal’s immediate family
and they were very receptive to the adoption. Immediately
after the baby was born the nurse brought him into the waiting
room. Teresa and I were standing behind everyone, hoping to
get a glimpse of the baby before he had to go back into the
room for cleaning and dressing. The nurse asked who was to
hold him first. Suddenly, the family parted as they pulled
Teresa and stood her in front of the nurse and said, “His
adoptive mommy will be the first to hold him.” And she
did. Teresa fell in love with Brandon.
Brandon Tyler was born on June 2, 1993. He was a healthy
10 lbs-9 oz and he has only gotten healthier. But who is Brandon
Tyler?
Brandon’s Character:
Brandon has never been a loud or boisterous child. Compared
to his now three year old sister (also adopted) he was a calm
child that very seldom cried and, oddly enough, he minded
us as he grew older. He does not crave a large amount of attention
and never has. Brandon is content with taking everything in
stride and asking questions of things that stir his curiosity.
Brandon is quite and relatively shy. He reminds me so much
of me that it is often uncanny.
A Tense Moment in the mall:
Now. Imagine this. It’s only a few days before Brandon’s
second Christmas and it was time to go to the mall and have
a photo made with Santa. We were walking through Willowbrook
Mall on our way to see Santa when a lady catches my attention.
She was walking toward me and Teresa as I was pushing the
stroller. Our eyes met! She looked familiar but I just couldn’t
place her. She reflected my curious stare. Suddenly her eyes
grew wide, she looked at my hands, the stroller and then at
Brandon. We walked past one another and she didn’t take
her eyes off Brandon. We each took a few more steps but my
mind was racing, who was that? Suddenly, it came to me. I
turned and the lady had also stopped and she had her head
in her hands and was crying. It was Crystal, Brandon’s
birth mom.
 Well,
perhaps it was bound to happen to some adoptive parents somewhere.
We had kept in close contact with Crystal but she became real
distant right before his first birthday and we lost contact
with her. Crystal’s sister worked at Willowbrook Mall
and we actually began to keep up with Crystal through her
sister. Her sister told us that Crystal was very independent
and did not spend much time with the rest of the family and
if she had decided to close out the relationship then it would
be difficult to keep in touch. Running into her at the mall
was the last thing we expected to happen. But, now, here she
was, crying in the middle of the mall and we’re holding
the child that she gave up a few months earlier. I was scared
and excited at the same time.
As my knees became weak, I realized that Teresa had been preoccupied
and did not notice that I had stopped. Teresa turned and noticed
the woman standing in the middle of the mall crying. Teresa
asked me if I knew what was wrong with her. I told her that
I thought it was Crystal.
As fate would have it, this was a most joyous reunion and
quite a Christmas present for Brandon and for Crystal. We
took pictures, shared stories; and she and Brandon chased
one another around the mall for a little while. Regrettably
we did have to say goodbye. Unfortunately, we have not heard
from Crystal again. That moment is etched in my mind and will
forever be a lesson in compassion and love. We want to think
that Crystal realized that Brandon was growing up just fine
and that he was being well cared for and that any fears for
her child were erased.
Who is Brandon today?
 Today,
Brandon is 13 years old and he continues to be very independent.
He loves baseball and basketball. He has cousins in Tennessee
that he sees quite often. He has older cousins in Denver that
he keeps in touch with via AOL IM and E-mail. His cousins
in Denver are going to college and have been a very positive
influence on him in that regard. Brandon is going through
the regular peer issues that teenagers experience. He is active
in church. Grades could be better as he is certainly smarter
than they presently indicate; but, changing from a child to
a young man can take it’s toll on certain aspects of
any young man, and it appears to be affecting Brandon’s
in this fashion Overall, Brandon is a great kid and we are
so thankful to Crystal for selecting us to become his adoptive
parents.
Because Brandon was such a great child we decided to adopt
again and today Brandon has a little sister. Her name is Haven
Nicole and her birthparents helped pick out her name with
us. That adoption, too, is a very amazing story; but, for
another time.
Haven gives her brother a rough time but the two of them
are developing a relationship that is so great to watch develop.
She take’s up for him and of course everything that
goes wrong in the house is “Bubba’s Fault”.
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